


(make the snow fall up from underneath)

by cm (mumblemutter)



Series: Don't Forget Me [2]
Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Incest, M/M, Thor: The Dark World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumblemutter/pseuds/cm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor is incapable of letting go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(make the snow fall up from underneath)

"I love you," Loki says. "Kiss me."

*

"You can't trust your brother," Sif says once. They're young, barely warriors. Riding in the forests of Nornhein on some futile quest, and Loki and the warriors three have fallen briefly behind. Thoroughly lost in a dark, unknown land, because Thor had insisted they turn left when Loki claimed the correct way was right.

Thor laughs, says,"You're just angry because he cut off all your hair. It was merely a prank, Sif."

Sif shakes her shorn head and frowns.

"Besides," Thor continues, "he wasn't the one that got us lost, was he?"

"Only because -" Sif frowns, and shakes her head again as Thor reigns in his steed, slows down so Loki can catch up.

"This is all your fault," Loki says, cross.

Thor laughs, claps Loki across the shoulder. His steed jerks, but steadies soon enough. "Relax, brother. We might find real adventure yet."

*

Loki is born in the aftermath of Asgard's longest and most bloody war. Children are rare, and a royal child born is cause enough for months of celebration.

Thor sees him only once as a toddler, when he's cradled in Mother's arms. Loki is bundled into the crèche as Thor's expelled from it, far sooner than is expected. He clings to Mother then, realizes later that it's not usual to separate brothers so completely.

When Thor is introduced to Loki as a small child, he's hiding behind Mother's skirts. "Loki, come meet your big brother," Mother says.

Thor lifts his chin. He'd harbored resentment towards this boy who had stolen his mother's attention away for years, and he's ready to give him all the disdain he has to spare.

Loki peeks out from behind Mother, all pale skin and huge eyes. He looks nothing like Thor expected. He also looks terrified.

It's the only reason Thor steps forward when Mother gently pushes Loki out from behind her, the only reason he envelops him in a hug. "Hello, brother," Thor says, and when Loki kisses him on the cheek Thor feels a rush of love, like nothing he has ever experienced before.

*

He runs himself ragged, putting out fires caused by the destruction of the bifrost. Even Fandral remarks, "Thor my good fellow, perhaps some rest might be in order."

"I'll rest when the realms are in peace," Thor growls, and stalks off.  

Sif says, when they reach a village too late and it's nothing but smoldering ashes, "It's not your fault, you know."

"I know," Thor says, tired.

"I don't think you do."

Thor hefts Mjolnir, stares at the uru as it gleams. So many lives have been lost by it, it's a wonder that it isn't caked in blood, as a reminder of its sins. "If I hadn't destroyed -"

"Then Jotunheim would be lost, and what purpose would that serve. You are not the cause of all of this, Thor." Her anger is simple, understandable. The blame she places at Loki's feet and Loki's feet alone.

Thor wishes it were less complicated for him, wishes he did not spend his nights sleepless, asking himself: what could he have done different?

*

Father insists on commandeering Thor's time, lecturing him on the intricacies of rule while Thor stares longingly out the window and wishes he were outside.

"Thor," Odin snaps once, when Thor sighs once too often. "Am I boring you, my son? Perhaps I should impart my wisdom to Loki instead, if learning how to rule a kingdom is so tedious."  

Thor blinks at him in surprise. He is tempted, the words are already on his lips, to tell Odin that yes, perhaps Loki would be a better choice, if only so Thor could make his escape while the sun still shines. But Odin offers him a withering glare, and Thor deflates. "I apologize," he mutters. "Please go on."

"You will not be young forever, Thor," Father says. He pauses, continues, "And I will not be able to rule Asgard for an eternity."

"But you are the All-Father," Thor says. His throat closes up at all the horrors implied in Odin's words. His father, dead. Thor forced to sit on the throne, to lead and guide his people, to protect the realms.

He is not ready. He will never be ready.

Odin sighs, waves his hand in weariness. "Go," he says. Thor turns to make his escape, to Odin's, "We will continue this tomorrow, Thor."

"Yes, Father."

Outside, Loki is leaning against a pillar, bored expression on his face. He falls into step with Thor, says with some cheer, "I see you have been released from your prison, brother."

"I am in no mood," Thor says, but he finds a smile crossing his face. "I suppose you are here to tell me that we simply have to do something that will get us into deep trouble?"

"Me? I would never."

It's Thor that's punished for their misadventure, even though the tally of the destruction caused is minor: a few runaway goats, a minor skirmish in a village and a traumatized farmer that will never forget them. And a burnt down tavern, but that is entirely the fault of the drunken men that provoked Thor to violence for insulting his brother.

"But it was -" Thor begins.

"No, I have had enough of this," Odin says. "You are a boy masquerading as a man, ill-disciplined and unruly. You let your brother drag you into his mischief, and do nothing to halt the damage."

"Loki is not to blame," Thor replies hotly.

"I am not blaming him, only you. It's your responsibility, not his."

Thor, duly chastened, resolves never to allow himself to be drawn into any of Loki's wild ideas or schemes again. This resolution lasts as long as it takes for Loki to corner him alone, bright smile on his face, only to pout when Thor tells him no.

"Does the promise of the throne mean you no longer have time for any kind of fun? I suppose you think yourself above such matters, now."

"Loki." They never talk about the throne, not since it became obvious who would be crowned. Of course Thor will be king: it is what he was born and raised to be, and there is only space for one ruler in this realm. "You will be by my side when I am crowned," Thor says. "I require your council."

Loki spreads his arms out to the side in a gesture of exasperation, and rolls his eyes. "Must you be such a bore?"

"I try not to be."

"Come with me, or don't. It's your choice."

Thor follows. He always follows, in the end.

*

Loki is sick often. His body rejects various foods, and he wilts under the heat of Asgard's summers. The healers are useless, and so Mother nurses him through one illness after another while Thor hovers around until he's chased away.

"What is wrong with him," Thor asks more than once, annoyed because his brother cannot play with him, and he rarely sees his mother. Thor rarely takes ill, eats a mountain of whatever food is placed in front of him, and the heat only makes him stronger.

"Your brother's not like you, dear," Mother says, her hand cupping his cheek. "Would you like to see him?"

In bed, Loki is swathed in cooling sheets, pale and still. Thor cannot bear to see him like this, takes his hand and leans in close to whisper in his ears, "Loki, be well. I'm here."

Loki opens his eyes, and his fingers squeeze Thor's. "Thor," Mother says. "Perhaps you should let your brother rest."

But Loki shakes his head, almost imperceptibly, and so Thor stays, crawls into bed and puts his head against Loki's chest. Mother brushes Thor's hair away from his face gently, leaves them be.

*

The first girl Thor falls in love with, her name is Lorelei. She is tall, dark haired and a lady of the court. Their relationship burns hot for a while, but soon he finds himself bored with her, with all the things she is not, even though he cannot define exactly what it is that's missing. Another lady catches his eye, this one a serving wench in a tavern on Midgard, equally pale and dark haired, but buxom where Lorelei is slim.

Lorelei takes it well, all things considered.

Thor only realizes it by accident, the type of woman he seeks out, when Loki takes the image of a woman on a dare, glancing up at Thor from under his lashes.

Thor flushes, says, "You look ridiculous, Loki. Stop this."

Loki merely smirks, but stops when Thor shoves at him, almost toppling over on the narrow heels he's put on. His expression of shock is enough that Thor flees, burning with shame.

Loki is his brother.

It's unthinkable.

There is no-one he can speak to, no-one that could possibly understand. Not even afterwards, when he's had Loki, over and over again.

Not even then.

*

Odin tells him, "He was still your brother, Thor."

"Of course he was," Thor says. "We were brothers for a thousand years, why should the truth of his parentage change anything?"

"You judge me, for not telling him."

Thor shrugs. He thinks he hides it well, but clearly he does not. Odin always could see right through him. "It might not have come to this, perhaps."

"Perhaps," Odin replies, with some weariness. "But perhaps it always would have."

*

His heart is broken, over and over again. Perhaps it's their fault. Most likely it's his own. He sulks after each time, drags a reluctant Loki along to backwater realms to commiserate. "You're entirely useless," Loki says, more than once, a long suffering sigh on his lips.

"You would not understand," Thor says. "You're practically a virgin, it's disgusting."

"Cut out your heart," Loki replies, and his eyes are narrowed, annoyed. "Cut it out and you won't feel this pain anymore."

Thor's drunk enough that he reaches out, scrambles for one of the knives hidden under Loki's armor. Loki bats him away, says, "Not literally, you fool."

"I'm no fool," Thor says, and when Loki smiles Thor can't stop staring at his mouth, at the way he licks his lips.

A woman slides into his lap, wraps her arms around his shoulders. A terrible idea comes into his head then, and seeing as how Thor had never met one that he didn't assume was brilliant at first, he puts words to it.

*

Loki doesn't care about what they do, takes it all with his usual flippant lack of concern. "We are gods," he says, over and over. "Besides, the Vanir marry their kin."

"We're not Vanir," Thor says. He smiles as Loki reaches out, idly wraps a lock of his hair around his finger. "Would you marry me, then? Be my bride?"

"We know you're the one that looks ravishing in the wedding dress, Thor. Clearly you are to be the bride."

Thor finds his smile fading away. "I wish we were then."

"What?"

"Vanir."

"Oh." Loki turns away, so Thor cannot see his face. "Yes, but we're not, so what's the point of dwelling?"

Thor tells himself Loki's lack of concern is because he doesn't have to face the burden and responsibility of being king someday, that if they are caught it would be Thor that would face the consequences, as he always does. He accuses Loki of plotting against him once, in a fit of misdirected guilt, watches as Loki's face goes entirely blank. "If I wanted to sabotage you, brother dear, there'd be far simpler ways to do so."

I'm sorry, Thor wants to say, but Loki's already stalking away, and so he does not.

*

The wrench in his stomach, the soaring relief and joy when Heimdall says, "Loki is alive. I see him" - it all changes to confusion when he understands that they cannot retrieve him, and that even though Mother tries, Loki will not come home.

"It's for the best, Thor," Sif says. "He betrayed us all."

"It was temporary madness," Thor says resolutely. "My brother is alive, Sif. He's alive."

*

They hunt for days on end sometimes, forgetting all else. When they tire, they throw themselves onto the ground and stare up at the sky, a different one for each realm, all beautiful.

Loki tells him stories, fantastical tales that he insists are true but Thor knows are not - it doesn't matter, Thor chooses to believe them because the realms are a brighter place when he does, when Loki smiles at him or laughs at Thor's clumsy attempts at jokes. "I wonder," Loki says once, and his voice turns distant, "if we will still hunt together when we are older."

"Of course we will. I'll be king, and I'll make it so."

"Oh, you'll make it so, will you? That will really endear me to the court, then, to have their king abandon his duties to waste time with his wicked brother."

Thor laughs, nudges Loki with his shoulder. "They would think you less wicked if you bothered to be nice once in a while. Perhaps no more humiliating tricks."

"But they make it so easy," Loki says, and when Thor turns his head Loki's staring at him with wide, innocent eyes. "Besides, they deserve it."

"They do," Thor has to agree.

It happens sooner rather than later. Thor gains friends, even beyond the ones that usually surround him. The warriors three and the Lady Sif, and now they are a party of five. Thor tries to keep including Loki, and Loki usually tags along, but there's an invisible wall between them, an undercurrent of tension that's only held at bay because Thor's with them. "They are loyal, and faithful," Thor says.

"As are dogs," Loki replies, and crosses his arms against his chest. "I don't know why you're even bothering to ask my opinion - I'll be forced to endure their company no matter how much I object."

Thor sighs, and claps Loki on the back. "This is why you have so few friends."

Loki calls out to him as he walks away, "I have few friends out of choice, Thor. I wish had no brother either."

*

Regrets upon regrets upon regrets.

A sharp knife. A fall from the skies in a glass cage. A backhand with a metal fist.

Thor clings to these, each time he wavers. Each time he stands outside the dungeon doors, hesitating as the Einherjar stare politely ahead.

*

Mother said, "There's still hope for your brother, Thor. Do not give up on him."

The face of a good man as he died, impaled on Loki's scepter: "There is no hope for him, Mother. You have not seen what he has done."

Mother only stares at him with pity, with regret, and Thor glances away. He has never minded, that she loves Loki more than him. Still. "He still has good in him, I see it."

"My brother is lost," Thor says. "That is the end of it."

Thor will not mourn him, not again.

*

Thor learns quickly that he is close to useless with true seidr. Only the skies listen to him, and he spends endless afternoons chasing after the storms. Loki he drags along, even as Loki grouches and complains, muttering about how they are neglecting their duties. "Since when do you care for our 'wretched' duties," Thor says. Loki rolls his eyes.

The day he is given Mjolnir, Loki follows him yet again out into an empty field, his eyes fixed on the hammer. Thor hefts it up, says, "It's beautiful, is it not."

"Yes," Loki says, and his voice is strangely hollow. A smile comes to his face. "No-one deserves it more than you, Thor."

"It is a wonder that your tongue doesn't try to escape from your mouth in shame, brother, for all the lies you make it tell."

Loki tilts his head back up to the sky, and Thor is so transfixed by the pale line of his throat that Loki has to repeat his words. "I said, show me what you can do then. Come on. Show me."

Thor creates a storm, feels the power crackle under his skin and exit through Mjolnir, concentrated in a way it never has been before. They stand in the middle of a dark maelstrom, sheltered by Thor's will alone.

Loki spreads his hands out wide, laughs a delighted, amazed laugh that seems genuine for once.

Thor cannot help himself then, reaches out and pulls him close, kisses him hard and wild.

The kiss breaks the tenuous hold Thor has over the storm, and it comes crashing down on them both. Still Loki laughs, splutters in the downpour and resumes the kiss, turning Thor to liquid heat despite the cold needles of rain on their skin.

Loki dries them both with a flick of his wrist when the storm finally abates, picks up their muddied, tattered clothes. "You look dreadful," he says.

"Have you seen yourself yet?" Loki is covered liberally in dirt, stark against his pale skin, and his hair is wild. The smile fades slightly from Loki's face as he stares at Mjolnir, half buried upright in mud. His fingers clench, unclench. Thor picks Mjolnir up, hefts it decisively. "We should go, before our tutors run to Mother."

Loki shakes his head, as if emerging from a trance, says, "No, we wouldn't want that, would we?"

*

The guilt crawls under Thor's skin like a living thing. It never quite leaves him, no matter how often he finds excuses, no matter who he tries to blame.

Thor's older, Thor's the crown prince, it's his responsibility to take care of Loki.

"I - do I hurt you," Thor asks, as Loki picks idly at a rapidly fading bruise on his hips. Everything disappears when they fall into one another, and it's only afterwards that the regrets come.

"You hurt me with your silly conscience and pathetic attempts at guilt, if that's what you mean." His bare foot pokes at Thor's belly, where his seed is drying.

Thor catches his ankle with his fingers, lifts Loki's leg up to kiss the ball of his feet. Loki's feet are delicate for a man, slim and smooth no matter how far they walk or run in boots.

"Guilt is a useless emotion," Loki continues, "but if you must feel it, at least spare me the burden of having to listen to you."

"Fine, then don't," Thor snaps, and rises to his feet, releasing Loki's ankle with an infuriated push.

Loki sits up, eyes wide in surprise, but Thor is already turning away.

*

Loki falls into an abyss, and keeps on falling.

Thor reaches out for him, calls his name desperately.

But he is always too late, and Loki's gone.

*

In exile, he thinks perhaps he will marry the lovely Jane, if she will have him. She will bear his children, and they will live out their days in obscurity, and perhaps one day Thor will forget that he was born to royalty, that he was meant to be a king.

Perhaps one day he will forget that his father is dead because of his actions, and he will never see his friends again, never hug his mother, never touch his brother's prickly, alluring skin.

It is for the best, he tells himself, as he closes his eyes and wishes for rain.

Thunder roars, in the far distance, and Thor opens his eyes, and cannot feel it under his skin.

*

Mother tries to teach him some of her ways, but Thor is both untalented and unable to sit still for more than a second. Instead it's Loki, wide-eyed and solemn, sitting across from her as she performs tricks for him to emulate.

"What use is any of this," Thor declares, hurt and left out, watching Mother beam at Loki with pride and Loki in turn flashing her a quick, triumphant smile. "Is this any use when running a kingdom?"

"Perhaps you would like to head out to the courtyard, dear," Mother says, smiling gently at him. "It's time for the Einherjar's daily practice."

"I - Loki, will you come with me?" Thor hesitates, jumps from one foot to another.

Loki gives him a withering glare, then returns his attention to Mother.

They both forget he is there, soon enough. No matter. Father will entertain him, will clap proudly as Thor defeats one well trained warrior after another, grows strong and fearless and battle-ready. Now it's Loki that stands aside, a fairly competent fighter but not the very best, resorting to tricks to win his battles.

Certainly not nearly as powerful as Thor.

*

"I will strive to make you proud of me when I am king," Thor tells Father.

"And what makes you think it is you that I will crown." Father sounds amused, indulgent.

"Would you make Loki king instead," Thor asks, mildly alarmed. It has never crossed his mind, for all of Father's declarations that they were both born to be kings, that it might be Loki that would ascend to the throne.

"You're a boy yet," Father replies, and now the amusement has given way to tiredness. "I have not made up my mind. But assuming I have, you should keep in mind that a king has few friends, and many enemies."

"I know." He has heard this, many times before. "I will be fine, Father. After all, you have also said that I should surround myself by those that I trust. And I have the most loyal of friends."

And he has Loki.

*

Thor wraps his hands around Mjolnir in a rain that he has no connection to, and it does not come.

He tries again, and still it does not come.

He falls to his knees, keeps on falling.

*

On a boat, headed towards danger, facing exile for high treason no matter the outcome of his plan, Thor wonders if his mother would be proud of both her sons. If she would tell him again that Loki can find redemption. But she's gone, and he cannot bring himself to trust his brother.

"I love you," Loki says. "Kiss me."


End file.
